Friday, March 24, 2006
never do i realise .. i will start to write blog again..
let me say what i wan .. in my life.. there had been alot of up and down..i saw alot of things.. but truthfully .. i have nv thank my life given by my parent.. but now maybe..i will thank them.. being a healthy human..I saw alot of ppls .. the one leave me wif most impression is a guy call Boonchuan. all my frens call him ah black.. not sure why..he have talking and hearing disability..but he is positive.. he love bball..although he is not gd but he try very hard...but tat not wad i am toking..
Everyone .. as long as they live in this world.. they will suffer loneliness.. solitude is wad a person fear most.. when u lost a close fren..u will feel sad and hurt..but the moment loneliness strike u..it will be jus a hell.. and ah black..he is jus a loner.. his eyes tell me he is lonely .. but he continue to be strong.. for 18 yrs.. he go sch alone..come back alone..no frens.. ...
i notice him always .. since he have the same eye as me.. it felt so painful jus to look at him.... .. when we are frens.. he told me.. i am his 1st true fren..1st.. (sad*)u know wad tat mean..?
i am been working as a mos burger crew. Why ? it bcoz i am so proud and arrogant..i lost alot of thing bcoz of tat..BGR, frens, money.. so i wanna jus for one time.. put down my pride and work like a dog.. i felt hardship isnt tat bad..at least.. it not any worst den being alone..at least u get frens..
but by working... i saw many different life going into me.. but indeed..there one person truly hold a strong impression inside me..'Aunty Mary'.
jus like any other aunty, she work, she smile, she joke, hardworking, caring. but only until she told me.. only until she say everything.. my heart start to hurt as bad as i saw Boonchuan the 1st time...it like .. some knife is stabbing ur heart..
she always work 12hrs in mos burger..i nv asked why..she often do free labour..which is stupid to me..(smile*)
one day..she told me she have a headache and she kinda dizzy.. i told her why dun she go home? it better..u can rest.. i asked which side of her head is hurting..she told me it her back of the head.. WOW, it jus holy shit if u had a back headache as tat is consider omfg problem.. i asked her to have a surgery since normal healthy ppls wont have back headache.. she sign and smile back telling me.. "i am scare of dying i think".. her mood become so sad.. and with a sad smile she said
"i had a daughter.. she was sec1 this yr.. she have a head problem and i bring her to hospital and she have a surgery .. but she passed away bcoz of tat..i was so shocked and hurt..
i cried and cried..my husband passed away when she is jus new born baby.. i have no one to rely .. and now i am staying alone.. in a hse.. u know wad feel like when u r alone in the house..? it very weird..and when i got home..those tots will start to haunt me.."
i din know wad to say..before i can know everything .. my mind and heart start to hurt..i remb everything..every single thing tat make me feel so alone..'no frens'..'going to sch alone'..'when in the class no one care'..'mum scold u' .. 'dad scold u'.. 'my sister always wif her bf'.. 'and my brother was in NS'..i hate to be alone!
i start rmb ah black(boon chuan)..everything come into my mind.. i am like asking myself why i am in this fucking world ? at tat moment..i rily wanna say.."aunt mary..i understand.."but i know i dun understand AT ALL! my heart hurt alot even now..her daughter leave this world b4 her..her husband is gone..she is even more alone..den me..or ah black..
i rily cannot say anything..i had found my frens..important frens..but aunty mary can never..find a impt person anymore..solitude is a hell..and yet i cant help..wad a bitch i am..
aunty mary, her eyes told me..she is suffering..
it so scary to be alone.. what can i do to help her..WAD!? i will do anything.. it bcoz of wilfred and ah black i become what i am right now..but she dun nid a fren..she jus wan her daughter.. and this fucking god of all jus took it away . Having a gd heart make u have nth but sadness! So wad this world is abt destiny?
I love one of my gf alot..so much till i wanna die bcoz of her..i cut my wrist..i wanna make it bleed..i take panadol.. i told my frens..maybe death is awaiting me.. i love her so much.. until i realise everything is fine.. bcoz of.. ah black..and wilfred.. who helped me ? not my parent.. is my sister..i cried so hard tat my throat choke and my brain hurt..i called my sister.. i cry when i am toking to her .. the moment i am writing this..tears falls down...bcoz i know my sister know the lost of someone BCOZ HER BF DIE IN A ACCIDENT! when i saw my sister lying inside hospital..i dun rily care..i seem to forget alot of thing..like being alone..she is scare of being alone and wad i did is jus having fun outside.. she wanted me to be by her side but i din...i am so regret..when my sister is inside the hospital..her eyes told me she is alone..yet i din do anything for her...i am so hurt..i wanna say i am sorrie..when i break off wif my gf..she is the oni blood-related person who helped me to stand on the right path again..
every night after the break up day.. i cant slp.. for 2 weeks..i always called wilfred or ah black to accompany me.. go wilfred hse or black hse.. see ah black play game until i slp..sometimes call my sister acc me..i felt so alone.. and oni 3 of them knows..bcoz of them..i pick myself up again..
if i rily killed myself.. the saddest one is not me..but my mum..i saw the image of my mother inside aunty mary.. i dun wanna let my mum feel sad or alone..
sometimes..i always drink alot of alcohol thinggy.. when i drink..all my true thoughts is out..i always cry..lols..wilfred always cry too.. i love to drink..bcoz it can vent my feeling out..and i dun have to keep it inside..
maybe finish crying le..everything is better.. bcoz i know..i am not alone anymore..
- it hurt...
bitches 3:18 AM